Trepidation, insecure, nervousness, or fear are just some of the emotions I experience almost any time I set out to create an art project. In many case I allow these feelings to hold me back, and I am tired of it. You would think an art teacher who has completed a BFA would be a little bit more secure with her art making skills. But in many cases I feel as though I came out of college less willing to create artwork then I did when I entered. For a time teaching became my art, and many ways it still is. This is officially my third year teaching, but unofficially my fourth; and for my first two years teaching consumed me. Even my dreams revolved around teaching. I thought of little else. Every thought dealt with projects, lessons, behavior management, etc. I was more concerned with challenging my students then I was with myself when it came to artwork. Helping my students work through their fears was more important than working through my own fears. Of course in many ways teaching strengthened my own personal fears when it came to artwork. I taught at the high school level for three years with several amazing art teachers who cultivated some of the most amazing talent in high school students I have ever seen. And, I promise I am not just saying that to say it; I’m saying it because it is true. Year after year our school would continually rank high in multiple art competitions. Being surrounded by talent can make you a little insecure about your own talents. Although, I knew then as I know now that to be a better teacher I should be a continual learner, and creator. I’ve been reading this book Art & Fear: Observation On The Perils (and Rewards) of Art Making by David Bayles & Ted Orland. I’ve actually owned this book for two years now, and have put off reading it for some time now because of my own personal fears. I know this book is going to force me to confront them. However, it’s not just the book that has been forcing me to confront my fears it has also been external sources, such as MY HUSBAND. I love my husband, he is a wonderful man…SHHHHH…Don’t tell him I said that, it might ruin his image : ). My husband has been begging me to create artwork for years to the point where we have even gotten in arguments about his constant encouragement. There have been a few times I have given in and allowed his gentle pushes to motivate me, and lately his motivation has been growing inside me. Over two years ago his motivation inspired me to paint a non-objective painting that we have hanging over the love seat in the living room. This painting is lucky to be where it is now, because it was almost painted over. For what seemed like months after I had painted it, the painting sat hidden from sight. It was not until support of a friend who begged to take a peak did my feels began to change, soon after the painting was hung up on the wall. I receive more compliments about that piece of artwork then I do about any other painting or photograph in my house. In fact I have two people right now who have asked me to paint them a similar painting. To this day I still see my faults in that painting, but in truth I am always my worst critic. Maybe, I abandon pieces and call them failed to soon. I am learning to except that even the failed pieces are essential to development. No artist is perfect, and every artist makes mistakes (Bayles & Orland). The famous words that I tell my student’s everyday and for some reason I have hard time listening to them myself. In response I am Thankful for my supportive family and friends who encourage and motivate me and are willing to be patient as I work through my artist block. Diane and Crystal your paintings are coming….
Even still I notice my imperfections in this painting.
In a separate but similar realm I can totally understand your frustration and FEAR. Perhaps in being a teacher we feel like we must be "perfect" at our craft because we feel we are being judged. For the 4 years that I taught Spanish, I pretty much refused to speak it (except for what was necessary in class, of course). One of my biggest rules in my class was to TRY because you can't learn to speak a language without trying, and I was the first to break it. And as a result of not trying, I nearly lost my abilities to speak Spanish at all. Thankfully I'm in a position now where I'm forced to use it, but because I'm not a "Spanish teacher" I already feel the fear slipping away... I feel more free when I speak Spanish because I don't feel like I'm being judged. I don't feel like people are thinking "gosh, I wouldn't want YOU teaching MY kid Spanish, listen to all those mistakes!" I'm sure you fear making art for some similar reasons- for worrying that people will think "that's all she can do?? But she's an art teacher!" But you hit the nail on the head by saying we're our own worst critics. I wouldn't even know what an imperfection in the above painting looks like!(As you wouldn't know if I was speaking Spanish poorly!) What you see as imperfections I see as part of the artwork, as part of the masterpiece. Stepping out of the comfort zone is definitely one of the first steps (like me forcing myself to answer phones in Spanish for half an hour a day!). I think second is accepting that there is no perfect! What some people love, others will hate, and that's the way it is!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to my painting! :D